“Is this a real story or a pretend one?”
It’s a question I have to ask after my four-year-old tells me that her sister hit her and then sang “Let It Go.” Oftentimes, I’m in the same room as them and know the answer to the question. Being truthful has been a struggle for our smart girl. While we know it’s actually a developmental milestone for toddlers to understand that they can verbally construct what they wish were true, lying is a sin forbidden in the Eighth Commandment.
Practically, it’s also just necessary for parents to understand what really is happening with their child. It’s a safety thing and morality thing. Here’s some encouragement for the parent who is discouraged by their child’s tall tales.
Why Do Kids Lie?
When my daughter first started lying, it made me really upset. Where did she learn to lie like this? Why is she lying to get out of trouble? Am I a bad parent? These were all thoughts that ran through my head. I’m not sure why I was so surprised by this. Scripture tells us that we live with original sin and that “all have sinned” (Romans 3:23, emphasis added). Not only that but, if I’m being honest, I was quite the liar myself as a child. (Thank God for the gifts of repentance and forgiveness, am I right?)
I think I was most upset because I could understand lying out of fear, but I couldn’t understand why she would tell fake stories about her sister or just because. For instance, one time she told me that she played with her cousin at daycare that day. I knew this wasn’t true because it was one of the days her cousin doesn’t attend. I was upset that at this young of an age, she felt like she couldn’t tell me the truth.
I had to reach back into my Psychology 250: Intro to Developmental Psychology notes to remember that children sometimes lie to construct the reality that they wish were real. So by telling me she played with her cousin, she was telling me she wishes he’d been at school that day and likes when they get to play together. It’s really the same psychological process when a toddler lies out of fear; they wish that it hadn’t happened in a way that would lead to a consequence.
We Rejoice in Truth
Another facet of why toddlers lie is attention. If we look back to psychology to guide how we respond, we’ll see that positive reinforcement is a better motivator than negative reinforcement. In 1 Corinthians 13:6 we read that “[Love] does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.” I know I need to remember to put the attention on things that are true; to remind my children that the truth is always better than backing yourself into a corner with a lie; to celebrate when they tell the truth the first time; and to put the attention on the truth-telling and not the lie.
Rejoicing in truth is a habit we practice when we fix our eyes on Jesus. Philippians 4:8 states, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Keeping our families focused on the true and timeless Word of God allows us to subtly reinforce truth-telling and reminds us that peace comes when the truth is revealed. Nothing hidden gets healed.
A Life of Repentance
I find it easy to recognize that I am called to repentance, but I often forget that extends to my children. Living a life of repentance doesn’t mean that we say a few words and it’s all over. It means that we recognize our wrongdoings and shortcomings, and we turn away from that behavior. We rejoice in the truth of a new chance to start over and ask the Holy Spirit to help and guide us.
Encouraging my toddlers to speak prayers of confession is not a default of mine; I honestly have wondered whether or not they understand what they are praying for. I have to remember that the Holy Spirit works in and through us. My children’s prayers for forgiveness are heard just as loudly by our Lord as my own time of confession. Having toddlers continually do this reminds them of the promises granted to them in the baptismal waters. It gets them in the habit of confessional prayer and teaches them to bring everything to our Lord. But as our catechism states, confession has two parts, so the second part is absolution. We are forgiven. We remind our children not only that the Lord forgives them but that we do too.
If you’re feeling discouraged by your child’s truth-telling (or lack of) habits, remember to ask the Lord to work in their lives. Let’s do this now.
Lord of all that is true, be with [insert child/children’s name(s) here]. Be at work in their lives in powerful ways. Help them to understand the serious nature of lying, the brokenness it causes, and the ways in which it is unhelpful. Create in them a clean heart and right spirit, to tell the truth even when the truth is hard. Holy Spirit, work through their mouths to proclaim things that are true. Turn their hearts away from the sin of lying. Nudge them to confess their sins and ask for forgiveness. Strengthen their walk with Jesus. It is in His holy name we pray. Amen.
Scripture: ESV®.
Find a rhythm of incorporating spiritual discussions into everyday life in August’s Everyday Faith Calendar.
