Talking with children about death is never easy. As parents and caregivers, we may feel unsure of what to say or how much to share—especially when our own hearts are heavy. Yet as Christians, we do not face these conversations without hope: In Jesus, we can speak truthfully about death while pointing our children to the promise of life everlasting.
Facing Death as a Family
My family has seen a lot of deaths recently. It started in late fall when my grandfather, after completing his 92nd trip around the sun, passed away in the midevening on a random Sunday. This felt expected. We loaded our girls into the car and drove to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, where the funeral would be held later that week. Then, right before Lent, my husband’s paternal grandmother passed away at age 95. Again, an expected death, but coming just a couple of months after my grandfather transitioned into the Lord’s arms, grief hit us doubly. Another funeral, another gathering of cousins. It’s been the setup of some jokes, but they say death comes in threes. So why was I so shocked when my uncle passed? Another death that we saw coming, and yet we hoped and prayed God would perform a miracle and cure Uncle Roger of his terminal cancer diagnosis.
This time, when we told the girls, my three-year-old grabbed my hand and asked, “Is he with Jesus, Grandma Joanne, and Grandpa Lloyd?”
Point Their Eyes to Heaven
Yes. Yes is the answer to my daughter’s question. In Colossians 3:1–2 the author reminds us:
If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.
Whenever we start the conversation with our small children (our kids are both under the age of five), we do so by telling them that we have sad news. As theologians of the cross, we don’t diminish the reality that our broken world brings death to our earthly bodies. It is a painful, sad, heart-wrenching fact that we are separated from our loved ones through death. But we are reminded that through Baptism we have been raised to life with Christ. And this new life allows us to know that we will see them again.
Keep Their Eyes on Jesus
As we talk with them, we take a page from Jesus’ own playbook. In John 11, we read about how Jesus handled Lazarus’s death: “And He said, ‘Where have you laid him?’ They said to Him, ‘Lord, come and see.’ Jesus wept. So the Jews said, ‘See how He loved him!’ ” (vv. 34–36). We let our girls see our tears. Even when they don’t remember this person, they see how we loved them. And then we explicitly remind them of the story of Lazarus. We read them the story from a developmentally appropriate Bible or the Arch Book Get Up, Lazarus!.
One perk of being a pastor’s wife is having teaching resources close at hand. In this case, we pulled out the Enduring Faith® Bible curriculum lesson on Lazarus (Unit 8, Lesson 4) to help guide the conversation. We reminded them that just as Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, He will also raise us and our baptized, faith-filled loved ones.
Focus Their Eyes on Others
But that brings us to a harder point. We’re not sure how much our girls notice at this age, but approximately half of our extended family does not share our faith. We use Paul’s words as our guiding principle on how we ask our daughters to engage with our family members during funerals and through our shared grief. He states in 2 Corinthians 5:20:
Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making His appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.
We are ambassadors for Christ and God is using us. As a pastor’s family, we cannot separate death from the fact that we believe in Jesus’ resurrection and the life to come. We remind our daughters that those who are sad may need “special kindness.” Special kindness could include nice words, a longer hug, or even asking to play with them.
Putting Hope into Words
Our script has gone something like this three out of three times: “Girls, we have some sad news for you. Our family member has died. We know that they are with the Lord now. Do you remember the story of Lazarus? What did Jesus do then? We know that someday Jesus will make them come alive too! But we will miss them. We, and our other family, may need some special kindness while we miss our family member.”
I believe this has worked for us because we have made faith rhythms and questions a regular part of our family’s daily lives. We talk about biblical accounts, life in the church, and what we can do for others often and in front of our children. Even though we hopefully won’t have to talk about another family member’s death for a while, we can be ready for it by keeping Jesus’ promises in front of our children.
Scripture: ESV®.
The Everyday Faith Calendar helps families connect God’s Word to everyday moments. Download the free calendar for daily Scripture and conversation prompts you can use all month long.
