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No family is immune to the realities of life together in a broken world. We can make light of quibbling siblings, but more often than not, arguments between family members are heated and deeply personal, especially when hurts are cited that can be traced back years or even decades. Unresolved family conflict can fester and spread like an infected wound; if left untreated, conflict can cause great physical and emotional damage throughout the family's collective body. Sometimes it is easier to show more compassion to nameless strangers than to people with the same last name, people from whom we could use a little more space. Though obvious, and therefore sometimes overlooked, Jesus' words in Matthew 5:21–26 to love our brothers and sisters "includes our literal, actual, flesh-and-blood siblings," notes author Christina Hergenrader, "and at the very heart of that love is grace. It's forgiveness." 4 Forgiveness does not accept or dismiss the sins of others; rather, it frees the victim from the prison of holding onto hurt. We recognize that when we forgive others, we receive God's forgiveness ourselves. Hergenrader asks us to consider this: "When someone you love hurts your feelings, do you find yourself harboring your anger toward them, replaying their sins over and over?" 5 Refusing to forgive is its own punishment. Individual choices have consequences on the whole family—even the choice to withhold forgiveness. For example, one person's decision to not speak to another family member creates a ripple effect, forcing other family members to choose sides, walk on eggshells, and treat one another differently. An individual's positive decision can also impact the whole family; this especially includes the choice to be the first to apologize regardless of who started it. One family member—whether the oldest, youngest, or somewhere in between—can take the opportunity to teach others how to resolve conflict, heal, and move forward together. Just like an infection, the sooner the conflict is resolved, the easier the path toward healing. How do we begin this path toward healing? Hergenrader puts it simply: "Face-to-face (not Facebook-to-Facebook)." 6 Consider the number of family conflicts that could be resolved more quickly (or never started in the first place) if those in conflict would first speak directly to their offender in-person— not through a familial game of telephone, trite Facebook comments, or the silent treatment. Jesus' instructions in Matthew 18 on how Christians should resolve conflict applies to families too. He makes clear that whenever appropriate and safe to do so, conflicts are to be addressed one-on-one, face- to-face, and alone. And "if he listens to you, you have gained your brother" (Matthew 18:15). Imagine the benefits you'd discover talking face-to-face first versus talking about the situation with everyone in the family except for the person in conflict. If the conflict continues, then a trusted mediator, perhaps a pastor, church worker, or counselor, can help facilitate the conversation (Matthew 18:16). If resolution still doesn't occur, then it can be brought to the family (Matthew 18:17). Above all, God's grace and forgiveness are waiting to be shared. Family conflict. While anyone who thinks his or her family doesn't have conflict is in denial, anyone who thinks his or her family is beyond the hope of conflict resolution is also short-sighted. The healing power of Christ's forgiveness is a balm stronger than any disease; it binds people together in perfect harmony and brings peace and thankfulness (Colossians 3:13–15). Even in your family. Even for you. w 4 Christina Hergenrader, Family Trees and Olive Branches (St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 2017), 124. 5 Hergenrader, 74. 6 Hergenrader, 74. Families can be difficult, especially if they hold conflict against one another. But families can also be wonderful together if they can learn to forgive with the same forgiveness God shows His creation. Learn how to repair your family relationships with author Christina Hergenrader. Find this title and others listed in this magazine at cph.org/llresources. FAMILY TREES AND OLIVE BRANCHES Lutheran Life 15

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